reflective

Blue Jay -- to spice this up a little
Young Blue Jay

Over the blogging years, I’ve written quite a few, personal, posts. Came across one of them yesterday and it had me thinking … about a lot of things. Expressions, for one.

Many of the comments said stuff like “you’re so honest about it”, and I thought “… ‘honest’?! Are all the other ones lying?!” LOL That was before I realized ‘honest’ was just another word for “open”. It’s funny in any event, because if you were to ask around back home about me … what I’m like as a person, I think the word that would come to most people’s minds would be “reserved”. Guess I’m more honest/open online. When I read in the Swedish blogosphere, I see oodles of blogs that are a lot more open than mine, and nobody raises an eyebrow … I wonder if there’s a cultural difference here, that I’m not even aware of.

That post I’m referring to, was written three years ago, and it was a little about how I felt sometimes inadequate about certain things. I even remember writing it, it was nothing particular about it … I just wrote down what I was thinking at the time.  I really treasure that post … not for what I wrote, but for the comments! I kept re-reading it yesterday, hoping that it didn’t come across as if I was seeking pity or attention. Being pitied is something I really loathe … I can’t stand it, and I don’t want to be the centre of attention either. When English is not your first language, there’s always the risk that you come across like sounding child-like, but hopefully I’m past that by now.

The thing about those honest/personal posts … even though people seem to be so baffled over the honesty, the comments always get very thoughtful, and quite often longer than usual. Even the commenters become more open about themselves, and sometimes the comments section almost gets to be like a discussion. I love that!

Another expression I had a problem with in the beginning, was “being brave”, but I’m over it now — it’s seems to be very common. To “be brave” used to mean to me, running into burning buildings saving lives … stuff like that, and not taking part in a WordPress blogging challenge LOL.

The sole purpose of my blog is writing down my journey, reflect upon myself and what’s going on in my life. They say «Write about something you know well», so I write about myself as that’s what I know really well 🙂

37 Replies to “reflective”

  1. Excellent reflections Rebby!
    I agree when we say someone is being ‘honest’ online it does mean ‘open’. I have always found you to be open & very thoughtful. In fact, your posts encourage dialogue & as you know; we can ‘talk’ back & forth for days on a topic of choice.
    LOL @ ‘being brave’…it is not always about running into a burning building or diving into frigid water to rescue a drowning person.
    Living one day at a time demands a lot of bravery too! As this world changes we HAVE to be brave. Life seems just as fragile now as it was during the War years (from what my family shared about their pasts).
    (((hugs))) Sherri-Ellen

    1. I know it now … about the ‘honest’, and that brave/courageous is being used in a totally different way than I thought it meant before. Get a root canal and you’re an American hero! LOL But sure … you’re right about what you’re saying — at times you have to be brave just to get out of bed and face the day.

      I like it when posts aggregate those little discussions, but before I knew all of what I just wrote here above, I felt almost as if I’d made a fool of myself for writing, in what they thought, was such an honest way.

      The ‘courage word’ I began to realize there was a different meaning to, when a person I knew told me she didn’t have the courage to take part in a photo challenge LOL

      1. The English language being a combination of many other languages is very diverse & very confusing! One word can mean so many things. It is a puzzle even for English speaking people sometimes; trust me!
        I never thought you made a fool of yourself. Your grasp of the language has always been excellent!!!

        1. Yeah, I know … so does most languages. I’m a member of a FB-group for newcomers to Sweden who are trying to learn Swedish [poor souls]. Sometimes they ask questions about words and expressions I’ve never ever paid attention to, and hardly even know how to explain LOL.

          I quickly realized that the brave-word was used for all kinds of things. What confused me more was merely the fact that people found me brave for writing a blog post … be it personal/open/honest whatever … to me it was just another blog, about my thoughts on something. I felt as if I was the only one writing this way, and everybody else had some smart theme about something, and I only wrote what was on top of my mind.

          However … having said all that, I still remember a post in Y360º I wrote about depression. It generated over a hundred comments, so I guess I must have done something right there LOL

          1. English is not for the faint hearted! LOL.
            I agree that writing a blog does not seem brave; however that post on Depression was brave!
            I find I rarely discuss on the blog what I deal with daily. I am afraid people will stop following us or think I am whining. Sometimes I do a FB update & try to share a bit but again people have their own things going on so I do not share a lot of things online.
            Not to say I am drowning in Depression….I have a lot of good days thankfully!
            Just once in a while I wish I could just share honestly & openly & get positive feedback & support.
            You are one of the only people who truly ‘get’ me!
            ((hugs)) Sherri-Ellen

            1. It’s been quite a few years ago, since that depression-post. It wasn’t all that brave LOL because I’ve never had depression myself. I wrote about how I thought the word was being mis-/overused … about how depression is a serious issue, and not just a reaction to something awful that just happened. The grey blanket … where you see all the dust rolling around but just cannot bring yourself to drag out the vacuum because … what’s the point?!

              In any event, I don’t think all the people fully read that post, they thought I was depressed LOL I’m not … never was.

              You’re right about the whining … I’m afraid of that too, because of what people think. Besides I feel ashamed: Here in the building there’s this guy, 50 at the most, with both legs amputated. He’s the most happy go lucky guy you could ever dream up … always a friendly word and a smile to offer up down in the lobby. He has two prosthetic legs now, and is learning to walk with them really well … Each time I talk with him, I feel ashamed.

              1. Oh wow a double amputee!!! I can understand how you feel ashamed. I did also when I worked in the Rehab Centre watching people learn to walk again or the Paralyzed people learning to operate a wheelchair. Now that I have this Skeletal Hyperostosis I TOTALLY understand what those people were going thru’.
                Some people can adjust better than others.
                As for Depression I am pretty sure I had read that blog…..
                I know you have never had Depression as such. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was 15 yrs old. I can’t stomach Anti-Depressants. That is why I am always going to Counselling each decade. To relearn how to deal with the Depression….
                Mine is physically & emotionally draining. I get to a point I can not get off the floor….I cry for long periods of time & then I can’t talk to people at all. I just stay by myself. I have to fight the thought of suicide every so often. (Tried twice; thankfully I did not succeed). I do not ‘want’ to die; rather to stop the emotional pain…
                Since my family have ‘divorced’ me & said I am a ‘liability’ to them I have had to be very careful with myself. This kind of rejection could ‘kill’ a person! What REALLY upsets me is how my Sister could do this KNOWING I tried to commit suicide before…she was present after the 2nd attempt in 1982. I promised my Niece I would never try again…she was 2 1/2 yrs old. She is now 35 yrs old.
                I think what I needed to learn was how to live MY life solely for myself.
                I remember my Father telling me a year before he died I came into the world an ‘only’ child 7 would leave the same way because my adopted siblings would abandon me once he was gone & he was RIGHT!
                The only Brother who treated me well was my Foster Brother DALE….then again he has been dead for 30 yrs this coming August…
                OK I have no idea where I am going with this novelette…
                Thank you for being a good friend & just accepting me as I am!
                (((hugs))) Sherri-Ellen

                1. Wow … I’m sure happy you didn’t succeed! Hugs!

                  This is what I mean … nowadays, people say it so easily «Oh, I’m so depressed!!!» when they’re really feeling sad or angry over something that is only normal to feel sad/angry about. It takes the “power” (in lack of better word) out of a word that represents something very serious.

                  I’m prone to a rather melancholy outlook on the world in general … I’m certainly no happy-go-lucky kind of person, but depressed … no, far from it. I get sad when I think of all the unfortunate choices I’ve made and all the opportunities I missed, at times but that’s a whole different story, and I find comfort in the fact that I’ve made it this far and this good.

    1. I’m beginning to think there is [a difference]! I see so many of these types of posts in our own language, and nobody seem to think anything of it — I know I wouldn’t!

  2. 😉 You are right that people say ‘depressed’ when they mean sad; frustrated; angry; fed up.
    Depression is a paralyzing state of mind & body. Making a cup of coffee or tea is a major undertaking. Getting out of bed to face a day can be overwhelming.
    I think we both share that ‘melancholy’ trait. I too, have serious regrets from my past. I sometimes ask for a ‘do-over’ but there aren’t any.
    So I have to accept Life on its’ on its’ terms sighs
    I have done pretty good all things considered too….

    1. Yes, and I know I shouldn’t think about it — it’s so pointless having regrets — but still, sometimes it’s difficult to turn it off. I procrastinated a lot, thinking I had all the time in the world to study or [insert any activity here], but now I’m feeling time is going by so much ‘faster’ … it’s like downhill! 🙂

      No, there aren’t any do-overs, no erase and rewind … so we’ll have to stay focused on how proud we should be of ourselves instead … and I am!

      1. I remind myself daily of how far I have come from my early 30’s all messed up on booze & dope & a mental case!
        I have done my best to make amends & I have changed my wyas..my penance I suppose. I have apologized to all who would listen & asked -d for forgiveness.
        I too procrastinated. We all do at times! I try not to anymore. Mind you my health sometimes makes me put things off, lol….

        1. Me too … not in person, that wasn’t possible, but to G-d. He’s the One who has the power to forgive anyway. Have I forgiven me?! Not fully …

          We talk a lot about living in the present, but I think when you’re really young, it seems impossible to realize with your mind that one day you’re going to be old! Even though you know it with your brain, that most likely, if nothing happens, you’ll reach fifty, then sixty and so on … but that seems totally unimaginable when you’re in your 20’s. Lately, I’ve often thought about my mum when she was the age I am now … and how old I thought she was LOL

          1. I think, for the most part, I have fully forgiven myself. I was so emotionally messed up. I just lashed out at everyone. Instead of getting help I just sank further into my own insanity….
            Thankfully I di realize I needed help 7 went for it.

            I never thought ‘d see 50 let alone 60 when I was 20…..I figured I’d be one of the ’27’ club & I almost was…..
            Then I met Paul & I had something/someone/ a reason to be……
            I wonder what my Mother would have been like. She was only 61 when she succumbed to Cancer & I had not seen her since she was 50. So there is no reference point!

            1. I haven’t even come to any realisation about what the real problem was … not that it matters. I couldn’t stand it when nothing happened … I had to have something going on all the time, to ‘have fun’. Staying at home one evening, just watching TV … that would bore me to death. This kept going on, didn’t realise that my friends moved on to more ‘normal’ lives like starting a family and stuff like that … not for me! In any event, like they say so often; I had to hit rock bottom before I could turn it around.

              I remember when my friend and I were 13, 14 … we were calculating how old we’d be year 2000. I’d be 45 and she 46 … but we just shrugged and said ‘Oh well, doesn’t matter … we won’t be alive then anyway’ ROFL

              Mum was 82 when she died from a heart attack …

              1. Same way of thinking in my late teens right into early 30’s!! Always had to be @ the Rock Pile Club or down in the Falls at he Disco on Clifton Hill or carousing with my friends somewhere at some party!! I sure wasted a lot of time……
                I never thought I’d see 40….sad to think I thought that.
                I want to see 102 now! LOL 🙂

                  1. Damn straight Rebby! As much as life hurts at times & this week was one of the worst in my Life I want to live & experience it all….clean of course!!!!!

                    1. Oh yes Rebby…I felt like I was having a breakdown…again….I have had far too many this year. Counselling has done nothing for me so far!
                      Between Siddhartha Henry’s ‘crazypants’ antics & trying to run away an my own family ‘divorcing’ me I am just a mess…..
                      I decided to cut back to following only 25 blogs. I am hoping this helps me focus better.
                      Sherri-Ellen

                    2. That sounds like a good plan, for starters. 25 is more than enough. tonight I can’t focus either … too much pain inside my mouth.

                    3. I am sorry you have a ‘bad tooth’…that is one bad pain>>>it goes thru the whole body! UGH!
                      I have to cut back. I have to make a lot of changes so I can continue on.
                      It is time for me to just ‘grow up’ & accept that my Life is the way it is & I can not change a lot of things about it; just my attitude!

                    4. The abscess has emptied itself, but my cheek is still all swollen … red and warm. These things HAS to happen on holidays … always!

                      It’s difficult to accept that and one can only do so much. Change what you can … et cetera 😀

                      I love this blogging thing on several levels … both the contacts and the design aspect of it.

                    5. And speaking of design aspect I FINALLY figured out how to get the background I wanted for the new look to the blog!!!!! Halle(bloody) lljuah!!!!!!! It is very bright & bold & the FONT is all swirly>>>totally suits the ‘littul Purrince’!!!!
                      As for changing things: I can’t make the family love or even like me. This is their choice to walk away. I am tired of begging for scraps of attention. If they do not want a sober & sane (more or less) Sister/Aunt/Great Aunt in their lives so be it. I have to accept I was born an only child & shall live now as an only child. I have many ‘Sisters’ in spirit around the world so I am not totally alone.
                      The other issues are to do with my health & I will see my Doctor end of month for discussion.
                      Look for better counseling.
                      As for your tooth OUCH! And the Abcess YUCK! Rebby I hope you can get this fixed tomorrow. I feel for you my friend; I REALLY do!!!!!

                    6. Do you love them very much so that you really want to be with them? If my brother wanted to cut off all ties with me, which he did for years, I wouldn’t be surprised, and honestly … I don’t know how sad I would be either. It’s as if I must like him because he’s blood. I guess there IS something … but not much.

                    7. THAT is THE rub Rebby! I DO love my Sister & Nephew & I ADORE my Niece & her 2 children…..
                      If I did not love them it would not hurt so much.
                      I do NOT LIKE their behavior at this point in time so staying away is necessary. Mind you, they are not beating down my door to visit me…..
                      The other part of this is I CHOSE my Sister to be my Sister when my Mother & StepMonster wanted to adopt. Then Stacey & I chose Marcus…..
                      I believed this bond would hold us all together; it did not!
                      Such is Life.
                      Today is a bit better. I have my own Life to live with or w/out them!

                    8. I hear you! It’s a very different situation from mine. I always try to think/feel what it would be like applied to my own circumstances, but they’re oh so different in this case. If he choses to cut off ties with me, so be it.

                      That’s kind of interesting, that you chose one another!

                      Glad you feel better today …

                    9. FAR different altho we are similar places in that we are not close to our sibling(s) & that is sad.
                      There is a story to the ‘choosing’. After my Mother divorced my Father & remarried to the StepMonster I asked her if she was going to have children. There was no way she was going to ‘allow’ herself to get pregnant again. they agreed to adopt & she let me choose because I was so upset over losing my Father…I could only see him on Sundays. I chose a Native girl but the CAS wanted her to be in a culturally appropriate home! The next little girl I fell for was 5 1/2 yr old Stacey. My Mother had seen her picture in the paper & she liked her also.
                      So we adopted her. I was 12 1/2 yrs old. When I was 15 1/2 & Stacey was 8 1/2 yrs old the StepMonster said he wanted a son…..so Stacey & I combed the newspaper nightly & when we saw marcus we went to the parents with his picture & the rest is history.
                      Keep in mind Stacey is Black….so when we were looking for our Brother we only looked at Black babies so we could even up the sides!!! Too funny!!!
                      Apparently I thought I was Black too!!!!!!! 😉

                    10. Oh my … what a story!!! Why don’t you just write your memoirs?! This is both hilarious and sad at the same time!

                      Is it still that way — that you can look in the paper for babies to adopt?

                    11. LOL @ writing my memoirs …a very daunting task….
                      I would need assistance with that!!!
                      Adopting the siblings was a wonderful experience & years later very sad….
                      I just looked online at the Hamilton Spectator but could not find “Today’s Child”. I believe The Toronto Star still carries that feature tho’

                    12. It would be something that is for sure!! I think just surviving it has been enough. To write the entire story would be just as traumatic as living thru it all 😉

                    13. Yes, you’re right. Some people seem to think it’s cathartic, but in any event; it’s one helluva undertaking!

  3. In some ways it would be ‘cathartic’. However I have done so many years of counseling & put those demons to rest. It is one thing to speak of them in passing or sharing here but to actually sit down & write all about it would be difficult.
    Today (Sunday) I was @ a local grocery store fundraising for Feral Cat Group (with Sheila).
    Who walks in but my used to be close friend Michael David the Native man I was such good friends for years. I had proposed a few years ago when it was Leap year. I finally sat M down later in the year & said I just wanted to help him get out of the crummy place he was living in & help him because he meant THAT much to me. Then he disappeared & never called me…then April of 2014 I saw him with this woman Barb who was supposed to be ‘just a friend’. Turns out he was WITH her….still is…they came sauntering in & I was totally stunned! They both knew it was me & she tried to stare me down! I just wanted to smack her! Sheila was so sweet calming me down. If they would have come over I would have lost it I am sure.
    Half hour later Sheila said I could go pick up the few items I needed & I start down an aisle & there they bloody well are so I had to detour down a different aisle. I got my 4 items & went to check out & you got it: they were in the lane I was heading for so I had to detour again…..they moved slow like they were trying to ‘run into me’ & I was not going to have a scene in the store. I told the cashier to take her time as my ex was 3 aisles down & she obliged me! Once I saw M. & B. leave I was able to go back to the table. I am calmed down now but it was quite an unpleasant experience.
    Good grief even doing some fund raising turns into a soap opera for me, lol…….

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