what is more important?

…to please people and fit in, or to be yourself? To me, it feels as if I’ve lost myself somewhere, long time ago. There are songs to remind me of who I am, but I can’t listen to them. If I were to start crying, it feels as if I’m losing it, and that scares me.

My inner self is a dark and sad place. I never go there. Instead, I keep up the appearance of being rather sunny. Don’t know how successful I am with that, but I’m constantly trying. I’m bothered by what other people think about me, even though, in my mind, it’s not important. It would be more important to worry about what G-d thinks of me … to be a good person. I’ve been such a bad person, and I need to repent, but I don’t know how. The people I hurt the most are dead. The person I really would have loved to know, died when I was only two.

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