This blog has had some down time lately … well, it hasn’t been down physically, but I haven’t been in any real blogging mood for a while. That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. I’ve done a lot of thinking.Tonight, I read a post in the Daily Post …WordPress’ own blog, that made me think even more. It was thanks to that blog and their Post-a-Day challenge that got me into this in the first place. Both the WP-author and the commentors had lots of tips on how to attract more visitors … how to engage people in your blog et cetera. Many of them were really great, and interesting. They made me think of how I dove into this blogging project, head first, in January 2011. I did all the things they suggested here now in this post … I visited other bloggers right and left, I commented/responded everywhere, followed lots … the whole kit ‘n caboodle, and also got a nice number of «followers» [that word always puts a smile on my face because it makes it sound like it was some kind of sect!]. After a while it became very time consuming. I have a lot of free time on my hands so this wasn’t the real problem. It takes stamina and something else … which leads me to the more personal part of this post:
Sometimes I get bouts with feelings of insecurity. This stems from something within me — I tend to compare myself with other people as reference, and that way I find that I’m not good enough. I’ve given this a great deal of thought lately and come to a conclusion that if I measure myself that way … by looking at others … I’ll never be good enough. All my life I’ve worried about what others might think even though, on an intellectual level, I know that it certainly doesn’t matter. «I can’t please them all!» …that used to be my mantra, and still is, but sometimes I fall back to my old ways. It’s one thing what your brain/mind tells you, but to anchor that in your heart … that’s a whole different story.
To tie this up with the blogging, I must explain a little further. Same thing happened there — in the blogosphere … the more my circle of bloggers expanded, the more I compared myself … finding I wasn’t good enough. “Perhaps my vocabulary wasn’t comprehensive enough”, “maybe I’d make grammatical mistakes that I wasn’t even aware of” … or to put it plain and simple — there were times I felt I wasn’t even intelligent enough! I kept reading blogs that were so totally beyond me that I didn’t know what to say, and here another aspect comes into play: Before I subscribed to someone’s blog, I should have thought long and hard about it … felt that this is a blogger with whom I can really connect! I was overly enthusiastic in the beginning. Also … these people who wrote about stuff that I felt I didn’t understand — we’re just interested in totally different things!
So finally I ended up with silence as I couldn’t dream up a subject that could possibly interest any of all these, ‘highly intellectual’, people … I backed off, and forgot all my thoughts about that it really doesn’t matter what other people think and besides I don’t know any of them and never will [except one]. I have friends who I correspond with via email, and often I think about how different it is to write to someone you know … how easily the words flow … when you can write ‘from your own self’ to someone who knows that self … that’s light years away from trying to write something here.
BUT this is my blog and every now and then, when I feel inspired, like tonight, I will write here … be it about how much I love my iPhone 🙂 or just post a picture of some duck … because that’s who I am — I appreciate the little things in life.
There are 124 followers on this blog and most of them have never said a beep. I don’t know what made them subscribe in the first place and probably never will.